Learning Grace… On Ebay?!
or
A Soft Answer Turns Away Wrath
by Eric Clayton
“A soft answer turns away wrath”
”Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
I hate these verses. They define everything I’m not.
But you know what? I’m growing. I recently received this message from an ebay buyer:
“I checked the most recent tracking number that you provided me and there’s still no evidence that the item has actually been sent (only that an electronic label was produced).Suffice it to say, I’m less than pleased by your performance thus far.
Can’t wait to provide feedback on my purchase experience with you!
-Tyler”
WOW! What a mean, jerky message. The item was purchased on a Monday, the label was created on Thursday, and the item shipped on Friday. Ebay rules state that the seller should ship within 3 business days, so I was technically one day late shipping. But that’s not awful, and generally I ship the very next day, and we have perfect ebay feedback.
Well, I wanted to write back and tell him what a jerk he was. That I hadn’t done anything wrong, that there was a weekend to contend with, which always slows things down, and why would he blame me for the USPS not updating their tracking info? How is it my fault? Why would he be so vindictive towards me?
Instead, I apologized for the delay. I told him that I really had shipped it out,and that I had shipped another item the same day to Michigan,and it had just arrived on Monday, so his package, having to travel all the wayto California,would surely take a bit longer.
I then wrote him the next day, asked him if it had arrived,and told him that I filled out a claim with USPS and we would hear from them in2 days. (There was still no tracking update on USPS)
His response was still not very good.
“I hate to tell you this but it did not arrive in today’s mail and there’s still no information on USPS website regarding your shipment other than the fact that on 3/13 an electroniclabel was produced for a 2nd Day Priority Package and that it was insured for$50.
I’m at a point where even if it were to arrive tomorrow, in all likelihood I’ll mark the package “Return to Sender” and send it back to you for a refund. But hey, who knows, maybe I’ll have a change of heart once the packagefinally arrives.
BTW, if I decide to return your shipment for a refund, I won’t let my bad luck regarding my purchasing experience with you affect the feedback I provide for you (provided that you promptly refund my $, upon receipt of the package).
-Tyler “
Man, oh man, this guy is a real piece of work! I really wanted to reach through the inter webs and punch him in the face. And this item I sold him is Drexel’s and my little business venture, so it affects Drexel too.
But I gave a soft answer instead, though still not as soft as I would have liked.
“Dear Tyler,
I appreciate your huge heart in sending me back the rails and not giving me bad feedback for something beyond my control. When did you think this would arrive anyway? Within 3 days of your purchase? If so, you misunderstand; the seller agrees to SHIP WITHIN 3 DAYS, NOT THAT IT ARRIVES WITHIN 3 DAYS.
Tyler, have you looked at my feedback? Did you look at the one neutral response that I received, and how I handled it? Have you noticed that I, like you, have no negative feedback whatsoever?
Do you actually think I’m lying, that I didn’t ship it out?
Did you see that I filed a complaint with the USPS?
Does any of this mean anything to you?
What if I were to refund you your money and GIVE you the rails? Would that satisfy you that maybe I’m not lying, slacking, or being a jerk in any way whatsoever?
I just don’t understand how you are blaming me for this. I sent it out, what am I supposed to do? Do you actually trust that the USPS is some kind of flawless machine that never makes mistakes?
I had to refund a lady a few weeks ago who purchased a nerf gun from me. My son wanted to raise some money for a video camera, and his automatic Nerf gun was actually still worth 80 bucks or so. We mailed it out, it went to Des Moines, it left Des Moines, and we suppose it arrived in Dallas,but there’s no record of it. After much patience on her part (and her disappointed grandson) I finally had to refund her her money. I’m now out 20 bucks shipping,on top of the USPS losing my son’s Nerf Gun. It was no fault of mine, except that maybe I should have hand delivered the package myself instead of trusting the USPS.
So, actually:
I was not late in shipping;
I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do;
and even so, I’m STILL CONSIDERING REFUNDING YOU THE MONEY AND TELLING YOU TO KEEP THE RAILS JUST TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I’M A PERSON OF MY WORD.
So, I would appreciate some patience from you, and some trust. Let’s see what the USPS has to say when they answer my claim.
-Eric”
And here was his latest response:
“Eric,
Sorry for the confusion that I may have caused you, but irregardless of whether or not I decide to keep the rails that I bought from you, once they finally arrive, my intention is to leave you a positive feedback. This is what I was attempting to communicate to you in my last email. Obviously, I failed in my attempt.
As for your role in the process, I believe that you performed to the best of your ability. Unfortunately, it appears that your local post office did not.It’s just a matter of bad luck for the both of us. Truly, I am sympathetic as to your recent plight with eBay. I’ve experienced situations myself. For example I have nearly $500 in automobile parts that I purchased on eBay some months ago, that I just recently discovered do not fit my vehicle and because too much time has elapsed since I purchased them, I’m forced to eat their cost,even though they do not fit the intended vehicle, as advertised. Not to mention a Craftsman Rip Fence that I hastily purchased for my 27″ table saw, then promptly restored upon arrival, only to discover that the fence was 27″(in length) and not for a 27″ table. So I ate $129, plus parts, paint and approximately 6 hours of my time on something that I can’t use and will have tolist of eBay, hoping that someone will appreciate my customized Vintage Craftsman Micro Adjustable Table Saw Rip Fence enough to buy it at some point.
So fear not, my friend, I am not going to hold you financially, morally or ethically responsible for our joint bad luck. That would be bad form on my part.
I’ll let you know if and/or when I receive the rail.
-Tyler”
So, it looks as if this whole thing is turning around. I’m amazed. I think the guy is probably a very miserable person. To look forward to giving someone bad feedback, to ruin their perfect record? How is there any happiness and joy in that?
And I have to admit, for me,giving a soft answer didn’t really feel very good. I wanted to blast the guy. That would have felt so much better. And why is that?
I think it’s because when we give soft answers, we are completely vulnerable. We aren’t taking control of the situation ourselves, we aren’t trying to control the other person, we are simply leaving ourselves open for more. And who wants to do that? It isn’t satisfying at all.
But as I discussed all this with Cindy, she said that what we have to do is look at the final result: What is it that we really want? Do I simply want the guy to be punched in the face? Is that why I sold him stuff? Or did I really wish for a good interaction,a positive transaction, and happy buyer and seller?
Of course, what I really wanted was a happy buyer and seller. And it’s never too late to get to that, especially if I give a soft answer instead of an angry response.
That’s what turning the other cheek means, to me. Leaving ourselves open for more. I wasn’t being a doormat,but I wasn’t counter-attacking. And inthe end, it looks like this transaction is going to end well.
And who knows, even if he’s completely satisfied, leaves me good feedback, and doesn’t want a refund, I might refund him anyway, just to help ease his pain from the past couple of bad luck experiences he’s had. I think that’s something Jesus would do. 
“A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches.”