Eden and I are doing homework. He does a lot of it out loud because he has the family trait that he is brilliant verbally but writing things down is almost impossible. Sage has the same thing. I think I did, too. We are highly verbal, abstract, creative and terribly unorganized people.
Eden also has ADD, and hemophilia, and a brother who is autistic and very, very sick. And parents that love him, and a really nice grandma, and a really good, difficult life. Hard for a grown up to make sense of, let alone a nine year old.
Usually I don’t worry too much. Eden is a happy, obedient pleasant kid. He wants to please. He is cheerful and makes good grades. Lately, though, there have been some signs that he isn’t as okay as I thought.
We had him tested, because he was so spacey in school. Couldn’t get any work done. I was not that concerned, because I am surrounded by spacey genius types. It was about what we expected. Boy is a genius. Boy is anxious and spacey and has trouble processing.
Only the doctor suggested counseling. “But he’s so good,” I said. She smiled. “Exactly.”
Oh.
So we are doing homework, and Eden tells me that he wishes he could do a better job. “At what?” I say. “Everything,” he says, and bursts into tears.
He told me that he wished he had more faith, sometimes he doubts God when he prays, and that he knows what hell would be like.
“What would hell be like?” I ask, taking a deep breath.
“It would be like when Bob died, only you wouldn’t be there to comfort me.”
Bob, our beautiful, sweet friend who had long struggled with severe disability, passed away last year.
I tell Eden that I think maybe he wonders if Jude died, would I be there for him, and would we be okay?
“Would you?”
I say that I wouldn’t be okay, but that I would be there for him no matter what, and maybe we could just be un okay together, until we were okay.
Eden nods, and we sit for awhile.
Later, Eden is soaking in the tub, floating in the warm suds while I read to him. Jude brings a chair in, gets his bubble wand and blows cascades of bubbles over us as Eden floats and I read, and this is what we can do. Be not okay and okay at the same time, but together, and wait and float on the waves of mercy until we are okay again. It is truly all we can do.