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Today was not a bad day, I cleaned a little, slept a little, and hunted for bugs in the yard with Eden and his friends. Drank coffee and laughed with someone I have missed. Don brought Jude out and the kids filled up his new watering can and he watered the flowers that didn’t need watering. Friends laughed and talked in the yard, and I saw someone looking sadly at Jude’s leg, which is now noticeably smaller than the other. Jude used to run so fast in this yard I could never keep up. I complained about it all the time. Now I wish I hadn’t.
I excuse myself to get coffee and ask Andrea to pray for me, because I am sad, and I wish I wasn’t. I have friends visiting that I thought I had lost, and I am trying to soak up the joy a little. Somehow all the love and sweetness is bringing the tears right to the surface. Maybe that is okay.
It is a good life, one that doesn’t have to be a certain way. A life where we can just be, surrounded by love that is sure, even when we our hearts are breaking, who could ask for more than that? Not me. I never did.
It is dark and we have gone upstairs. John is playing hammer dulcimer in the dark for Jude, and Jude is intermittently crying out and writhing in pain. There is golden light shining from the other room, just enough so he can see to make the notes. I am rubbing Jude’s feet with hippie pain lotion a friend gave us. My hands look like a woman’s hands, not a child’s, and for a moment I am struck with how much they resemble my mother’s. Neil stops by to pray for Jude, and Jude stops crying, and shows Neil his fire truck.
Sometimes I look at my life and wonder what my fourteen year old chain smoking hitch hiking self would think of it. That girl just wanted someone to accept her, love her even if she screwed up, and not leave if things got tough. I think she would approve of this happy /sad rag tag life I lead. There will be many tears cried before the sun comes up tomorrow, because my friends are leaving, and my child cries and cannot be comforted. I am not sure how I wound up being so wonderfully happy and so terribly sad at the same time. I only know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
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